Accepting Death

Suicide and accepting death! This is one sure way to clear out a room of very quickly. It is the one constant in this ever changing world..... that you are going to die. Yet we are all scared of it. It is almost as if people like living in this fantasy land that nobody dies and everyone lives for ever.

The ultimate irony (according to Buddhists) is that if you can learn to accept your death and to be comfortable with it, then you can truly learn to live! Lets unpack this statement a bit further

They say think about your death every single day. Hell even imagine how it is that you are gong to die. Be really comfortable with the idea. It is the things in life that we don't come into contact with (e.g., Sharks, Spiders) that we are most scared. Same principle applies. Get yourself acquainted with death.

And through doing this, you realise what is important in life and live more presently in the moment and not to be distracted by things that really aren't that important.

How free would you be if you were not scared of death, had accepted it and realise that it could happen at any moment. Think how differently you would approach life. Everything else would pale in comparison.

So how can you practice it? One way that I have started doing it recently is when flying. Landing for me is quite nerve racking. Always has been. I think the plane is going to bump, skid, crash, flip burn etc. The last flight I was on I practiced the following technique. As the plane started its dissent, I did a deep breathing meditation practice and in it I contemplated my own death, right there and then and tried to completely accept it. As the plane landed, instead of looking out the window to make sure everything was running smoothly, I accepted that I had no control over what may happen and was open to all possibilities. And I felt great afterwards.

Another way you can practice, through meditation practice, is to imagine different ways that you might die (e.g., in your sleep, by a car, plane crash etc) and to realise that death (when it does happen) is like waking up from a dream.

I know this all sounds depressing. But it really isn't. It is quite inspiring. You just need to have an open mind about it, that's all. Accepting death is powerful and the way foreward.

www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com

Living in the Moment

Living by the moment or for the moment is something that I've been interested and thought about for a very long time. Probably ever since I was about 14 or 15 years. I have thought out it and how society has marketed it in terms of sports stars. As you are reading this, a list of sports stars names probably come to mind who are able to do this. The one sports star that comes to my mind is Tiger Woods, when he was on the golf green. I'm sure he was able to live in the moment off the gold green as well. Maybe this is what got him into trouble??

I was reading an article about a South African golfer recently who won the US Open (a huge feat in itself). His secret? Knowing when to switch on and off between shots. Sound simple enough. How did he do this? He drew a small red dot on his white glove and every time he went to take a shot, he would look at the red dot to focus his attention. And he did this for every shot, for every hole over the 4 days. He even had a mental skills coach who taught him how to do this. Tennis players also have to do this between shots - being in the moment. Other sports are a little different as competition is a lot shorter and more intense (e.g., football) where a game only lasts for about 90 minutes and players are being substituted all the time.

This story is a really good metaphor for life, being able to live fully in the moment or to live your life as a walking meditation. What do I mean by this?

Our minds are full of thoughts, good ones, bad ones, happy ones and sad ones. One thought is no better than another one. They are just that....thoughts. The trick is not getting caught up in them or giving them any of your attention or importance. To recognize them and laugh and then they will drift through your mind and another one will pop up. That's about how significant thoughts/ feelings are. They will last about 5 seconds and be replaced by another random one.

So like the South African golfer did, you too can learn how to switch on and switch off. And switching off doesn't mean going on Facebook, Myspace or Twitter or being mentally lazy and indulging in all of your worries, fantasies etc. It literally means doing nothing, switching your brain off. And then when you do have to switch your brain back on again (1) you'll have more energy (2) you'll be clear what you need to focus on.

This is what being in the moment is all about and what separates sports stars and also what creates psychological problems such as anger management, anxiety and depression. Not being in the moment

www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com

Generation Z and Sexuality

What is it with Generation Z and their sexuality? They seem to be growing up much quicker than the Gen Y (whom I'm part of). But I guess our parents would have said the same about us! I was reading an article in today's paper that got me thinking about it in addition to conversations that I've had with adolescents in my practice. So what's changed?

Age They Become Sexually Active

According to the statistics (in Australia)......

(1) 50% of 16-year olds are sexually active, similar levels to 10-years ago
(2) 24% of girls by 15-years are sexually active down from 5% 10-years ago.

Social Norms and Coolness Factor

It appears now that If you want to be part of the cool group of kids at school you need to be having sex and dressing in an 'adult way'. And often the girls are not having sex with people their own age but often with boys who are a number of years older than them. Correct me if I'm wrong but this is illegal (carnal knowledge). And often the boys are asking them how old they are (before having sex with them). When they find out that they are not 18, they end up 'bailing on them', adding to teenage girl's insecurities and shattering their confidence in the process.

And as I look at some of the photos in the paper today, all that I see are young girls in 'grown ups' clothing. Similar to what it would have been like as children playing dress up in their mothers' or older sister's clothes.

Anti-Social Behaviour

Associated with having sex from a younger age are a number of other behaviours required to be part of the cool kids.

(1) Alcohol consumption
(2) Lying to parents and family
(3) Gossiping and back stabbing
(4) Exposed to dangerous physical environments
(5) STIs
(6) Lowered grades and motivation towards school work

N.B., these are some of the issues that people report in therapy

I believe that this is more of a concern for females than it is for males. And for females at co-educational schools as opposed to females at all-girls schools.

And all this behaviour is done to be part of the cool kids. Ironically most of these 'cool groups' disband once school finishes, often earlier. This is the biggest loss of all. Missing out on the golden opportunity at school to make long lasting 'real' friends.

www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com

Running a Successful Psychology Private Practice

With the introduction of Medicare items in Australia in 2006, there has been a substantial increase in the number of Psychologists setting up their own practice (including myself). There are even companies out there now that are selling franchises to psychologists to set up their own private practice at a price of course ($$$$).

What shocked me, when I set up my business in 2008, was the lack of training that university provided me with to set up practice. I reckon university provided me with maybe 20% of the relevant knowledge, skills etc needed. For me, running my own private business/ practice come down to 3 things

(1) Technical Knowledge
(2) Sales/ Marketing
(3) Management

N.B., the book - the e-myth talks about these 3 things in a lot more detail.

TECHNICAL KNOWLEDGE

All that university focuses on is technical knowledge. So this is what to do in sessions with your clients. But not really. It is all about writing essays, doing research etc. But guess what...clients don't really care what works for a bunch of research participants, they care what works for them and everyone is different. The real skill that I needed to develop was explaining complicated psychological concepts/ jargon in everyday language. Its harder than you think.

SALES/MARKETING

Before you can even contemplate what you are going to do with clients in sessions, you need to get them there first. This is something that I had never done before and didn't know where to begin. Sitting behind you computer, diligently typing out documents or hand-outs is not going to get you clients. You need to sell yourself or to introduce yourself to others. What did I do? I went around to every GP in my local area, to introduce myself. This was a very powerful marketing technique and literally created a business for myself overnight. Recently getting my web-page on the front-page of Google has also helped. I reckon I spoke with over 100GPs but it was well worth the effort.

MANAGEMENT

Running a small business/ private practice is about good organisation and planning. This means having very clear structures in place or standard operating procedures and writing the down. Boring but very important and effective. Also, investing in a good practice management software makes a huge difference and allows your business to grow as needed.

While there are many more components needed to succeed in small business, having a good understanding of these 3 is a very good start and will help you to build the foundations needed for a successful business

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has been gaining in popularity in recent times. Books such has the HAPPINESS TRAP by Dr Russ Harris have fueled its popularity. The book is a must read for anyone interested in this area. My approach to coaching and therapy is heavily influenced by ACT.

So what is it exactly? In a nutshell it suggests that people should connect in with their values and goals (refer to a previous article of mine on the subject) and ACT not A. C. T. To do something, do anything. Not to sit back and let life pass you by. And through acting, you get feedback and make minor adjustments along the way.

The second component of it, is the acceptance part. Accepting your thoughts and emotions. How often is it the case that when a scary thought or emotion pops into our head, we try to squash it or think about something else. ALL THE TIME ACTUALLY! ACT says it is ok to have these thoughts and emotions, it is what we do with them that matters. And what you should do with them is to do nothing. Thats right. To accept them or create space. To even laugh about them. Sounds simple but really isn't. When we fail to do this, we hit the struggle switch and this is usually where anxiety raises its ugly head.

So how do we learn to accept out thoughts and emotions? Practice. But it requires more that this. Meditation or relaxation exercises done daily definitely help. Then the trick is to live your life like its a walking meditation. Humor is also great as it allows us not to take life SO SERIOUSLY.

Now I'm not saying that you shouldn't think or analyse things. It is important to do this. But there is THINKING and then there is THINKING THINKING. The latter should be avoided against. THINKING is looking both ways before crossing the road. THINKING THINKING is laying in bed at 3am in the morning wondering if a certain person likes you etc.

Want to learn more? RIGPA is a great meditation center to go to. They are all around the world and The Happiness Trap is a great book to read by Dr Russ Harris. But at the end of the day it comes down to you and you can start living with this new philosophy today.

www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com

Values and Goals

My view towards therapy and coaching is very much focused on values and goal-setting. So what does it entail?

It entails:


(1) Identifying what you want in life. That means goal-setting. Setting SMARTER goals (to be discussed later).
(2) Identifying what your values are in life and living in accordance with them. (to be discussed later).
(3) Setting weekly action plans and reviewing your progress regulary.

Psychological problems that people face in life (e.g., Anger Management, Stress, Anxiety) stem back to the fact that they (1) don't live in accordance with their values and (2) don't know what they want in life. Simple. Then why don't people do this? We are not taught these skills, ever.....period! These skills are what should be taught at school to prepare students for real life.

It is also important to follow your intuition. You know that little voice at the back of your head. Your mental compass that points you in the right direction. My strong viewpoint is that people discredit it (intuition) and don't look to it to guide them in life.

Ok so you are probably asking how do I know what my values are? Values are things such as; honesty, integrity, hard work, importance of friends, family etc. During this step, it is not about repeating what society tells you should do or what the 10 commandments are. What are YOUR values? What are the 3 or 4 values at the forefront of your mind that are NON NEGOTIABLE.

Once you know what your values are, then you need to set some goals. To set goals, identify 3 areas of life that are important for you (e.g., work, financial, fitness, family, romantic) and go through the following process for each goal:

(S)pecific - what exactly do you need to do and what is it that you want?
(M)easurable - how are you going to measure your progress on a weekly/ monthly basis?
(A)ttractive - how motivated are you to achieve this goal?
(R)realistic - how realistic is this goal for you?
(T)ime-framed - by when do you want to achieve this goal?
(E)cological - what factors in your environment is going to affect this goal?
(R)eason - why do you really want to achieve this goal?

Knowing what your values and goals are is a really good start, especially if you are dealing with a psychological issue.

www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com

Managing Depression and Anxiety

Every month Mark is interviewed by radio station 99.7fm to talk about topical issues in Psychology. This month he talks about Anxiety & Depression in society. See below for a summary transcript
What is Depression?

What I have done, is consult the web-site Beyond Blue. A lot of your listeners would hopefully be aware of it. They define Depression as more than just a low mood, it is actually a serious illness. Of course we all feel sad, low or moody from time to time. That is part of being a human being. Some of us experience these feelings intensely for long periods of time and often for no good reason. People with Depression find it hard to function in everyday life and are possibly reluctant to engage in activities that they once enjoyed. It is actually one of the most common mental health problems. They believe 1 in about 5 people will experience Depression at one stage in their life.

What are some of the symptoms of Depression and Anxiety?

Everybody has a blue day from time to time. That is not the issue. Firstly, Depression is over a longer period of time. It is usually for at least 2 weeks. Symptoms include (1) Having a depressed mood for most of the day (2) Less interest in the activities that you are doing (3) Weight loss or gain (4) Insomnia (5) Slowed or fastened movements (5) Tiredness or loss of energy (6) Feeling worthless (6) Difficulty concentrating (7) Thoughts of death or suicide

What is Anxiety?

We all feel anxious from time to time but some people feel these feeling soo strongly and frequently that it can affect their everyday life. People often confuse Anxiety Disorders with Stress. Stress is a normal reaction to a situation. For example, work deadlines, sitting exams, speaking in front of people etc. However for some people these thoughts are ongoing after the event has passed.

What are some symptoms that can separate Depression from being Anxious?

Think back in the past month, have you felt (1) Restless or on edge at one point in time? (2) Felt easily tired? (3) Had difficulty concentrating? (4) Felt irritable? (5) Had muscle pain? (6) Had trouble sleeping? The general rule is that if you said yes to 3 or more of these statements, it is quite possible that you are suffering from Anxiety
What can we do if you feel or think that you are suffering from Depression or Anxiety?

I have some tips now for your listeners. Tips to overcome Anxiety and Depression;

(1) Physical exercise is a huge thing for people. It releases feel good endorphins and the general rule is to do it 2-3 times per week for a least 30 minutes at a time.

(2) Relaxation exercises – there are plenty of good relaxation tapes out there. Also, controlling your breathing, through taking deep breaths will help.

(3) Eating well – that is a good one.

(4) Sleeping well – having 7-8 hours/ night sleep. Not over sleeping. A lot of people with Depression tend to oversleep.

(5) Maintain a healthy social life. The people who are happiest (according to the research) have a active social life.

(6) Minimise TV – I know I do this from time to time. You get home and you turn on the TV, even when there is noting really on. On average when people watch TV they are in a mildly depressed mood as they watch it. If you do want to watch TV, fine! Watch your programs but don’t watch TV for the sake of it.

(7) Having Hobbies is really worthwhile. For me, my hobby is playing the guitar and singing.

(8) To live in the moment as much as possible. One sure way to feel bad about yourself, is to over analyse your life and think about all the things that could go wrong. Mindfulness is the key. Being in the moment.


www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com

Youth Mental Health

Every month Mark is interviewed by radio station 99.7fm to talk about topical issues in Psychology. This month he talks about Youth Mental Health. See below for a summary transcript

Why mental health in schools?

The ages of 13-17 years is hugely important to an individual’s development. You have physical changes happening and then you have different pressures to deal with (e.g., academia, fitting in, romantic relationships etc). If you can get this time in your life right, then it sets you up for later in life. It can really make or break you as an individual.

What are the different mental issues that high school students are having to be aware of?

Depression and Anxiety are the two common ones. 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 high school students would be dealing with either depression or anxiety at any given time. It really is that common and this is a reflection of broader society as well.

I didn’t realise high-school was so stressful?

It is quite a stressful time for students. Its unrelenting. In Yr 8 & 9 you are dealing with hormones and fitting in, being liked and even romantic relationships. You have this journey that you have to go through but you don’t have a map to follow. By the time you get to Yr 11 & 12, you have the academic pressures on you as well. Throw into the mix formals and pressure from parents, the constant comparison to peers and general lack of life experience to draw upon, make this a very stressful time for adolescents.
What advice do you have for parents, who are currently dealing with these issues?

An important thing for parents to do is to give their children space and not to crowd them. It is a trap that most parents fall into cos they want to help out their children, they see them struggling a bit, they are doing what any good parent would do. Sometimes, taking a step back and letting their son or daughter come to them is the best thing that they can do. Adolescents are amazing at problem solving and if they have a problem they will find a way around it or seek the help that they need.

So really it is about communication?

Exactly, especially during adolescence. They are not the best communicators going around. There is this tendency for adolescents to think that they are the only ones dealing with their problem. I remember when I was in Yr 8 and 9, I wasn’t the best communicator with the different issues I was facing. I remember talking to my mother about some of the issues I was dealing with 2 years later. She had no idea what I was going through.

And there is help out there?

There are heaps of different people out there to help you get through this time in your life, some who have had similar experiences. For example; Psychologists, for me it was a tutor and also talking with friends and family. So there is a heap of support out there and you don’t have to go at it alone!

www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com

Alcoholism (Functional Alcoholism)

Every month Mark is interviewed by radio station 99.7fm to talk about topical issues in Psychology. This month he talks about Alcohol in society. See below for a summary transcript




Mark today you are talking on managing alcohol in today’s society?

Yes I am because I think it is such a huge issue in today’s society. Especially at this time of the year, with all of the Christmas parties.

Do Australian’s have trouble managing their drink?

In a nutshell yes we do. I think we are one of the more naughty nations in the world. When you go overseas we have this reputation of being alcoholics. Our view towards alcohol is a little bit scary. How much we accept it. Especially in regards to binge drinking and people behaving badly when they have had too much to drink. We allow a lot of people to slip through the cracks. There are people who might not be classified as being alcoholics but are not far off it. I find that they are the one’s slipping through the cracks and the ones we need to mindful of.

So tell us about those who ‘slip through the cracks’?

These are the people who I’m seeing in my practice. Alcohol for these people is actually having a negative impact on their lives. That’s what people don’t understand. These are the people who binge drink regularly, usually on the weekends. Often people don’t worry about them because they are a functioning member of society. They can hold down a full-time job. However things such as their personal relationships and their health is definitely suffering. Maybe not now but possibly in 3, 4, 10 years time.

Mark can you elaborate on Binge Drinking?

If you look at it technically, Binge Drinking is drinking more than about 3 standard drinks in the one sitting which really is not that many if you look at people’s drinking behaviour. I know there are people out there who regularly drink in excess of 10 standard drinks in a sitting. Often these people will binge drink every time they drink and that is the issue. They are unable to stop after 1 or 2 drinks.

So what’s the solution?

Firstly, changing our perception around what’s acceptable behaviour in regards to Binge Drinking. How do you do that? I don’t know. Maybe public education campaigns. And to be more strict in terms of what alcoholism is. Alcoholism is also Binge Drinking on a regular basis. And what we’ll probably find is that a lot more people will fit into that category. Also, changing the youth’s view towards alcohol. Take Schoolies Week for example, I think that it is getting worse and worse. And the age of drinking is getting younger and younger. Possibly we can adopt the European view towards alcohol and have a wine with our meal and do this from an early age. This way the youth get use to alcohol and don’t view it as some kind of ‘wonder drug’.

And a lot of people drink to drown their sorrows?

A lot of people are depressed these days and they are self-medicating through alcohol and they are using alcohol to feel better about themselves

If you have friend/ family member who you think has a problem with alcohol, what should you do?

This is a tough one isn’t it. They need to want to change. ‘Your can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’. That metaphor is very apt for if you do have a family member or friend who you think has a problem with alcohol. As a practical thing you can bring the subject up with them. Communication is very important. Don’t do it when they are drunk cos they won’t remember the conversation in the morning. Often its good to talk with them after a big night of drinking, when they are sober and not feeling that fantastic. It is a matter of continually reinforcing that point. You can have the conversation once and they’ll probably forget about it 3 days later. I guess it’s a matter of having that conversation regularly over a period of time. Also, establishing some concrete goals with them. You might want to establish some goals around the amount of alcohol that they are to be consuming and to hold them accountable to that.

It is an extremely touchy subject isn’t it?

I actually talk about this through personal experience with friends and family. I don’t pretend to be the perfect person when dealing with this stuff. It is a very touchy subject. You have to tread very lightly around the topic. At the end of the day, the old adage is true.. ‘One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough’ and there are some people who just can’t control their alcohol consumption. They do need to be a complete tee toteler.

And I believe Alcoholics Anonymous is a great program?

It is, it’s a great program that they have there. That is what they say…’One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough.’ You have to work out what your personality type is. A lot of it is around personality types. And they think that those who have trouble with their alcohol are the addictive personalities. Doesn’t matter what it is, whether it is alcohol, sex, work, they get addicted to things quite easily.

www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com

Life Coaching

Every month I am interviewed by radio station 99.7fm to talk about topical issues in Psychology. This month I talk about coaching. See below for a summary transcript

Leslie: What is Coaching?

Coaching is about developing your potential and about creating positive change in your life and to be sure that you are maintaining these changes over the long-term.

So how do people go about changing their behaviour?

To change a certain behaviour, people usually go through 5 stages of change; Pre-Contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action & Maintenance.

So you really do have to change your habits don’t you?

A lot of people don’t realise to change a particular habit takes 3 weeks to a mouth of engaging in that particular behaviour (maintenance).

Its about self-discipline isn’t it? (And that’s the hard bit).

Definitely and that’s why going to see a coach can help cos they keep you on track and accountable.

Leslie: So what does coaching entail?

It entails

(i) clarifying what you want from your life. Setting effective and realistic goals. This usually happens near the start of the process;

(ii) monitoring your progress, on your journey of change and sticking to your commitments/ goals

(iii) making sure that you stay focused and challenged

(iv) re-examining your ideas/ plans and strategies. Often people feel the need to adjust their goals throughout the process, which is fine; and

(v) identifying your life values and making sure that your goals set and behaviour reflect these. So often people act in accordance with societies values and not their own and this is when internal conflict appears.

And you change Mark don’t you? Goals that you set this year will be different from your goals for next year?

Even if you set your goals, you can change them. A lot of people who come to me are initially scared to set their goals, because they think they have to stick to them and not change them

www.psychologistbrisbanenorth.com